it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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