Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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