so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
