Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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