Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
