dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
