I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
