I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
