Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
