The maid of honor just puked.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
