Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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