I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
