I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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