I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
