wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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