dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
