I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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