Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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