Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
