I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
