walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
