I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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