oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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