Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
