No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
