no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
