He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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