Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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