Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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