I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
