i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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