just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
