I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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