guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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