You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
