I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Hippo gnu deer
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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