How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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