is your mom at the bar?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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