I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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