Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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