I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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