I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You need a sexual gate keeper
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
