yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
