the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
