Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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