I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
