PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
