my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
