ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
