mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
and you fell through a lawn chair
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
