im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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