I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
