I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
