Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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