Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
